Stupid Car Names Have Taken Over


On my way to work today, I was passed by an Armada.  No, it wasn’t the fleet of 130 Spanish ships that sailed to conquer England in 1588, only to suffer crushing defeat and the destruction of over 1/3 of their vessels.  This Armada was an SUV.

I wondered to myself, “Who’s the genius who decided to name an SUV Armada?”  Then, at lunch time, I went to the drive through at the bank, right behind an Aveo, which was next to an Alero.


Aveo may be Latin for desire, but let’s not start using Latin words for car names, because then only doctors, lawyers, and home schooled children will know what they mean.  Oh, and Alero is Spanish for “the projecting part of a roof.”  The Chevy Parapet can’t be far behind.

Wake up, America!

Every day you are surrounded by cars with model names that may well be harbingers of the decline of Western Civilization.

I give you….

The Worst Car Model Names in America

Achieva – Or “Under Achieva” as the case may be.

Aerio – That TV thing-io that is up on my roof-io.

Aspire – Like aspiring to be a cool car, and failing.

Azera – Doesn’t he do voices on the Simpsons?

Aztek – They spelled it wrong.  Are they out of their Mayans?

Bravada – Is it the female version of bravado, as in “defiant or swaggering behavior”?

Charade – A game of pretend.  I don’t want a pretend car.

Citation – That’s fancy talk for “ticket.”  Hello officer.  You won’t give a citation to a Citation would you?

Cube – Unfortunately, an accurate name. If only there was a Borg version.

Equinox – You can only drive it on March 21 and September 21.

Firenza – I hope my car-ienza doesn’t catch Firenza.

Fit – As in “hissy” or “conniption”?

Lamborghini Diablo – Cool car, but don’t name it after the devil.  Not cool.

Lumina – sounds like it means “light,” but it doesn’t.  Fail.

Murano – Suburb of Venice, Italy.  This name barely won out over Castellammare di Stabia.

Nitro Detonator – There’s “manly awesome,” then there’s “Disturbing when you consider you’re sitting on 20 gallons of gasoline.”

Probe – If you’re thinking space exploration, OK.  If you’re thinking medical exam, not so much.

Reatta – Like a boat race, spelled by a 6-year-old who can’t yet make a “g.”

Smartcar Fortwo Passion – This is actually Latin for “Please squash me like a bug.”

Sonoma – Sounds sleepy, or like something from Brave New World.

Sorento – The Obama-mobile?

Soul – Does it come with a GPS, thus preventing “Lost Soul”?

Sportage – Wrong.  Just wrong.

Stanza – A group of lines in a poem, no part of which evokes “car.”

Superba – I don’t think so-a.

Venza – Venza warranty expire-za, you in big-za trouble-za

Versa – I would only buy one if I can have the license plate “vice.” Again with the Latin.

Vue – As in “Room with a…”?

Yaris – One of Padme’s hand maidens?

Please add your own stupid car name in the comments!